As I near the end of the first month of my hiatus, I’ve been thinking a lot about the things about my life that have been reshaped by the hiatus. I’ve especially been thinking about the things about my life that I want to continue after hiatus, and one of those things is to have as few transactions as possible.
If you want to be my friend or one of my colleagues, I want you to know that I am not down for the “if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” mentality. I’m not comfortable with transactional relationships in my life. That said, I understand that commissioning is a transaction. But the transaction of commissioning is to protect everyone involved, compensate us fairly for our work, and make sure that we are all on the same page. That’s honest and a transaction I can get behind.
In the past, I have been a very transactional person, to the point that people can’t tell the difference between me being kind and generous and me wanting something from someone. I want it to be clear that I don’t need you to return my generosity or my kindness. I am kind and generous because I want to be, and not because I expect anything in return. And I want it to be clear that I don’t participate in those kinds of social transactions anymore, and that if you try to be transactional with me, it’s a huge red flag.
I want to be able to give freely. I want to surround myself with people who feel the same.
That’s the kind of life I want to live.