I have a long history of having no chill.
People who have known me a lot time know that I once tended to be very high strung. I had opinions on everything, made mountains out of every molehill, recklessly overcommitted myself, and constantly worked as if everything was an emergency. There was always another hill to die on. Everything needed to be done, no matter the detriment to my physical, mental, or emotional health.
Some of you probably have memories of me being like this. For that, thank you for your patience with me and I am sorry.
I turn 30 this year. I don’t have opinions on everything and I don’t voice half the opinions I do have because I just don’t want to argue about it. There are very few mountains among the molehills. I am done making promises I can’t keep. Very little is an actual emergency. I’m not looking to die on any hills. I have back pain now. I’m not taking any more energy from tomorrow.
I am claiming some chill.
I am allowed to take things slow. It is okay to take the time I need to make deliberate creative decisions. It is okay to give people space and for me to have the space I need. I don’t need to jump on every opportunity or enter every award or submit to every call for scores.
Sometimes there are external deadlines. I have a couple on my mind right now. But as far as I can control the way that I work, expect me to take the most time you can give me.
Composing doesn’t need to be stressful. I have made a lot of bad creative decisions because I have procrastinated on things or because I was waiting on permission from someone else to make a creative decision. I’m done with that.
I am now a chill composer.
Feels so much better. A breath of fresh air.